Are you terribly afraid of everything? I was too.
I get it. I finally get it. I was afraid of everything & of nothing. Of Life in all its majesty & of the idea of eternity & being in it. Oh, how I’ve been afraid of it all. But tonight, while watching some anime, I crossed the Fear Barrier. Want to know how it happened? Here it is.
I’ve been having a rough 6 weeks. It started with an abrupt (well really I had it coming) burnout. A couple of Fridays ago, I felt my brain fart, the next thing I knew, I couldn’t think about anything specific for more than 20 minutes. Considering I use my brain extensively for my work & also considering this had never happened before, it was no surprise that I was scared shitless.
How am I going to make money?
How am I going to support myself & Cynell?
How am I going to serve my customers?
Is this going to be temporary?
What’s that feeling in my head?
What’s that pulsing?
Am I dying?
Is it a brain tumor?
This has never happened before.
What’s happening to me?
What would happen if I die?
What’s death?
What’s life?
World without end. What’s that?
What’s eternity?
If eternity never ends, then aren’t I trapped here!
Aren’t I?
Is Life freedom, or is it something else?
If I became God, then wouldn’t I be bored?
My mind became a maze. I chased after my thoughts like that made any sense to do at all. I reeled every time I felt my head pulse. I fought away negative thoughts viciously. Eventually I’d concede. I’d scare myself with the depths of my mind. With the depth of my being.
I spoke to anyone who’d listen. I Googled like crazy (never do this). I even visited the nearest Health Centre. Oxford Street Health Centre on the Cor. Oxford Street & Observatory Road, Belmont big up ya self. The staff there is really nice & they treated me amazingly every time they saw me. Visit them if you need to. They’re there to help.
I saw the doctor, was prescribed some B-Complex supplements, told to come back in a couple of weeks for a blood test & sent on my way. Wanna hear about religion? I took those tablets religiously. I monitored every little feeling in my body. I changed my diet. I started eating fruits. I’ve been guzzling vegetables for some weeks now.
Things started getting a little better. Just a little. I know because I’d basically become a self-taught doctor courtesy WebMD with a patient of one over the last couple weeks. I continued to bounce from thought to thought. Much like a madman, I suppose. But I had to convince myself I was sane.
I searched for every cure. I doubled down on my meditation. I started a 21-Day meditation course. I’d be in nature at every spare moment. At this point, I was basically begging Mother Earth to heal me. Nearly sobbing to Her that I’ve learned my lesson. That I’d promise to take care of my body. Or my mind. Or whatever I needed to take care of. Just make these thoughts & feelings stop!
I spoke to a therapist. I spoke to a priest. I spoke to my mom. To my dad. To my friends. To myself. I spoke to God. I needed relief. Even though my mental faculties were beginning to improve day by day, I still couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong with me. Where were these head pains coming from?
Now, before I get to the point, there’s one more thing you should know. While searching for a panacea, I came across a meditation app. I’d heard about it before on The Tim Ferriss Show, on a recent episode Tim had with its creator, Sam Harris. It’s called Waking Up & it works.
Today, everything was fine until some head pain erupted in a new area. Naturally, it sent my mind into a tizzy & sent me to lie down. While laying in my bed, I called my friend studying to be a doctor. He briefly questioned me, then informed me that he was pretty sure that I didn’t have a brain tumor. Whew. Now, if only I could make myself believe that.
I was doing my mental gymnastics as I have been. Then I decided to do another meditation & give the Waking Up app one more try. I was on Day 3 of the program. I started the meditation. I completed it. Then, I got up. I went for a walk with Cynell & since that walk, I now believe that my life has been changed. I believe I’ve crossed the Fear Barrier.
Franklin D. Roosevelt said in his 1933 presidential inauguration, “the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” I finally understand why. Mark Twain said, “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” I finally understand why.
You see. There’s something interesting to discover here. A truth about fear. Fear has only ever worked when I’ve let it. Fear has only ever had a hold on me when I gave it that hold. Fear has only ever had the power that I gave it. But the minute, no, the second I decided to simply observe my waking thoughts, without judgement, without a plan, without discrimination, I realized that I was the one attaching fear to my thoughts. All this time, it was me!
So I tried it with the feelings in my head. I felt. I observed. The feeling went away. I gave it no additional power. Offered it no additional hold. I simply let it drift away. It came back! I felt it. I observed. I let it drift away.
Very interesting.
Now I have some new questions.
How many people live in constant fear?
Was I ever in danger?
Were the head feelings ever there?
Did I ever need to dive into the thoughts?
Why was I attaching fear to my thoughts?
Where have I been all these weeks?
Will I remember this lesson the next time I’m afraid?
It seems that I could’ve simply been in the moment all this time.
Safe. Aware. Watching. Observing. Present.
And I believe you can too.
Jarryon
